There are times when I feel a huge load of regret. This keeps me up at night and I've been unable to fall soundly asleep the last couple days. Reminiscing about my past and thinking about what I'd do differently if I were granted the opportunity to go back. How different life would be? It's really hard to put my finger on it, but I feel a darkness somewhere very close to my heart. And I don't mean darkness, as in a cynical evil or a skeleton in the closet type of darkness, but like a fog, an empty feeling that is just gnawing away. And it is always in these wee hours of the morning when everyone is asleep that these thoughts cloud me and I'm imbued with regret and nostalgia.
Shake it off.
On a brighter note, Liam is 30 months now. Today's "first" is his counting. He counted from 1 to 10, saying every other number with me. As of late, he sings his head off (without words) to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When I sing this to him at night, he puts his thumb up and I feel so very proud of myself like I just won a cookie. His aegyo is just full on blooming. He waddles to his teacher and leans forward suggestively so that she can hug him. That little... Anyhow, starting preschool is one of the best decisions we've ever made for him. He seems so much more comfortable around a large group of people and learns a lot at school. He is socializing and this makes me so happy, because the three of us lived in solitude the past year. Liam is potty trained now since two months ago. His favorite fruit is still bananas. He acknowledges the Christmas tree we put up and sometimes touches the lights, but very awkwardly as if it is hot. Was hoping he'd be more enthusiastic over it but can't ask for more. He loves playing choo-choo with me and I love stacking legos higher than his height with him. He laughs so hard when it tilts and falls over. He also loves hide and seek, and he insists I always hide with him while Dad comes searching for us. Normally inside the castle tent is where we hide, and his smile is ear to ear barely containing the excitement as his Dad says "Where's my Liam boo?" Liam sometimes squeals because he just can't contain it. And it is the cutest thing ever. His love for "Ha-buh-jee" is infinite, and he loves battling "moo-wee versus fountain" with us. His second love is "ipeh" (ipad) and his number one love is umma. Liam loves his appa, too. I could tell because he silently goes to hug his dad's leg when he is busy putting on lotion.
