Back to School

In exactly 1 hour and 30 minutes, I will be welcoming the first day of a whole new beginning.  It is the first day of graduate school and yet I feel so burdened by the thought of starting. When I first entered college in 2003, I couldn't wait to start. Undergrad was an era of zeal and youth. It was a time of discovery and constant fuck ups in all sorts of manner.  Yet everything became okay in the end. Grades, relationships, and adventures that I deemed necessary for the 18-22 years of age were, in retrospect, a bubble on a vast platform. Gone in an instant. Now here I am a decade later, standing on my tiptoes to get that glimpse of confidence, but for some reason I feel sick to the stomach. How would I ever go through all the assignments and the studio when my software faculty is virtually nonexistent? How will I ever come to peace with my guilt over being a compromised mother? Tomorrow... please don't come!

On the other hand, updates on Liam:

He is now embarking on his 16th month. He understands so much now. His favorite fruit is blueberries. He squeals and laughs while crunching his nose at the sight of blueberries. We melt. I taught him how to stack cups today. He knew instantly he had to stack and push down for the cups to for them to stay together. I'm amazed day by day at how much he is developing. He still wakes up before us and plays around the bed until he gets tired and wakes me up. He greets me with the biggest smile and he just makes my day from the morning. Hm... what else? Liam has stood... yes! Hasn't starting walking yet and doesn't seem to want to try,  but he'll get there. I don't mind. Whenever he bangs his head on the something, he pauses and then looks at me. The moment we make eye contact is when he decides that it hurt and starts crying lol. He loves the moments following his bath when I lay him on the bed to clothe him. He uncovers himself from the towel and scurries about the bed, as if I'm chasing him, all the while completely naked laughing his head off. I guess it feels good to be free from his diapers.

Liam is well into his 15th month now. His character and preferences are ever more distinct and I can't help but to wish he will stay like this forever. His cuteness overwhelms me and seeing him reach one milestone after another reconditions the various perspectives I have on... well, a lot of various things. I think babies have the the most humbling influence on people. The world you live in is not very important. It is just a system defined by variables and conditions. We often get swamped in the vast sea of responsibilites, ideologies, that we somehow along the way lose our perspective. Liam has repositioned mine to a much simpler location, and I'm so grateful for that.

Some.of Liam ' s idiosyncrasies that I want to remember forever:
- his eyes light up and his lips curl into a huge smile that lets our bursts of laughter when I ask him if he wants fruit especially blueberries. Husband and I can no longer use that word in vain or else he'll throw a fit if he does not get some.
- he wears my indoor slippers. On his hands. when he crawls about the home.
- he loves to snack. He loves to eat.
- he wants me to carry him even when hrs in his stroller
- he finds his bellybutton amusing.
- he wraps.his arms around my neck and hugs me. Quite often and it is the warmest and most complete feeling a human may feel.
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Smile and frown

It's funny because just yesterday Liam started frowning ...especially at his dad. It's the cutest thing to see a different expression on that sweet angel face. But frown no more baby!!

I'm so tired from studying.

So far, Liam is 14 months. 4 teeth. 2 protruding. He poops and sleeps well. He is a fruit monster. He can clean a plate of fruit if he tried. He hugs and dances while snapping his fingers in his own way. The cutest!!! He loves mama bear and I feel it. It is the most complete feeling a human can possibly feel.

Angels harps heavens hallelujah

So much has happened in the last six months. The word calculus will forever be synonymous with the words 'terror,' 'death,' etc. Never have I crammed so much info into my brain. Calculus in six weeks is simply inhumane.

But as promised, God gives only as much as I can handle. Somehow I barely made it out alive even though every inch of my body was crying 'no more.' My weight had plummeted, skin had aged, health had abandoned, yet the glory that came afterwards made it all worth it. Calculus in six weeks was not work in vain.

Acceptance letters started rolling in not too long after. MIT was the first. I thought it was a sick prank of an unjustified human being who wanted to torture the crippled. A joke that mocked the efforts of all who were praying for acceptance. Offering a full ride? Um who does that? And are u taking to m...e?

Guess it wasn't a joke after all. Eventually seven school extended their hand and one didn't. I'm glad Harvard wasn't the latter.

Angels harps heavens hallelujah!

A Start to a Finish

Up until today, I had been rigorously working on my portfolio and applications for graduate school. RIGOROUSLY for about a couple months. I had never been this busy, because I really believe I took multi-tasking to a new dimension. From conceptualization of idea, sketches, material selection, the actual artwork, photos (always getting into a situation while paying $$$), insert photo into ID-- all this in about 3-4 different versions. My portfolio contains about 20 pieces of artwork, might I add.

Though during this time,  I have emaciated down to 45.6 kgs (and not in a toned way, but just flat out desiccated from stress and overwork)  and have disciplined myself to sleep no more than 4-5 hours of sleep each night, I'm certainly thankful of this experience. The real commitment to hakwon began in October but it was probably at the end of November that I started to get antsy and began dashing with full speed all the way to yesterday. I pulled two all-nighters in the past three days. I hope for good results. I get worried when I, being the harshest critic of myself, look at my own portfolio and essay. I get afraid i won't get accepted anywhere! But by looking at how God has worked myself in the past five years, I know for certain he has favor and mercy upon me. He really does! So, I try to remember that and comfort myself.

My husband, whom I must thank with all my heart, is truly the best person in the world! He comes home early so I can go do all of my stuff and takes care of Liam the enttire day x 60 days. He has done all the dishes, laundry, and takes care of everything else so I can focus solely on my work. Though I felt very guilty, my husband encouraged me to give it my all. He is so selfless when it comes to Liam and me. Also the most supportive and encouraging. Truly, down to the last pigment of my skin, to the last hair follicle of my body, he is my soul mate.

Liam has grown so fast. He melts my heart and mama is very sorry that I couldn't take care of you as much as I wanted to. You give me so much strength. I feel like I could take on anything for Liam :)  Anyway, he has started purees of bananas, ga-am, strawberries, apples, carrots, but hasn't started rice pouridge yet. We will soon. I remember the very first time I stuck a spoon full of banana puree into his mouth. He smiled like goober. He was so confused as to what to do with his mouth and the spoon. He at one point started sucking on the spoon hahaha. SO CUTE. I also always wonder if other babies crack up as well? What I mean is Liam cracks up real HARD. Everytime hubs does something funny, he cracks up like an adult would. Not a chuckle but to the point he screeches and his face turns red. It is so cutest and funniest thing. My little poopoopie.

We're going to Cali in a couple of days. for two months without hubs. I really think the warm weather and the suburban environment would suit him better than here... at least for the winter. The only problem would be that we'll miss hubs so much.

Anyhow, 2014 will mark a big year for us: my graduate school, Liam's 1st birthday, oppa's job in America, and our big immigration. HAHA

This is Love

My son has now reached 16 weeks. The past four months have been both the happiest and the most difficult of times. In the end, what matters most is the three of us.

Anyhow, Liam has been sick for a very long time. Just when I thought he was getting better, he relapsed into even worse conditions. Liam's seen the doctor more than his grandparents. I pray and pray for a full recovery to come soon. 

On a brighter note, allow me to recap some of the bonding moments and the  milestones he's reached. 

1. So Liam has been the happiest boy ever, but before he sleeps, he throws a fit like no other. I then have to hold him in a cradle position for the most part and stride across the living room providing him with constant motion. The moment I lay him down on his crib is the most heart racing moment of my day, for fear that he would wake up, and I would have to do this routine one yet another time. And trust me, it doesn't always stop there. I think I did it up to literally eight freakin times. Lord have mercy.

2. But when he does sleep for the night, he sleeps damn well. Good baby. Gives me about eight hours to sleep each night. Now I better start taking advance and sleep earlier.

3. He brings his hands together and fidgets with his hand loosely clasped. The cutest thing ever.

4. He chuckles. This is absolutely the cutest thing ever. My hubs, sister, and I become circus clowns to hear one chuckle. So worth it.

5. He squeals. In a high pitched voice. The next Mariah Carrey we call him. Hurts our ears but research indicates he has found his voice and is only experimenting.

6. Liam loves to grab a hold of his bottle. Though he can't hold it upright and feed himself, he places his hands on the bottle so appropriately. Did I mention he is only on his fourth month now.

7. On Baby Bjorns babysitter, he can rock like no other.

8. Every time I say "I love you" he shyly smiles and looks down and away. Melts my heart. 

9. He likes to coo every morning the moment he wakes up. Tells me how fun his dream was haha.

10. He loves stretching his arms and legs with his mama. He opens his mout every time I stretch him, like there a open switch or something.

Anyhow, I'm in love. Everyone should have a baby. Teaches you what selfless love is and forces you to grow up and mature. At least, Liam did for me.

Oh Baby!

I honestly can not put into words all the different feelings I have towards my son. He is the epitome of cute and the only catalyst to maturing out of the yolo twenties and embodying the motherhood that really just hit me out of nowhere. Motherhood, not just the cute and cuddly dreamy moments between mother and child as seen on those softly lit black and white photos, but  im talking about the other end of  the responsibility, huge and totally imposing, to upkeep such a vulnerable creature with my own two baby hands. Puzzled and unsure, I do what I can.