It is literally two hours before it’s 2020.
And since I had completely neglected documenting anything in 2018-2019, below is what I have for memory’s sake:
- 2018, I finished my MBA
- 2018, I left my job (the worst company ever) and found a new job through my MBA network
- 2018, we became home owners
- 2019, I got recognized for my performance at work and I must say, rightfully so.
- 2019, Liam entered 1st grade and he is so brilliant. He too is being recognized for his academic achievements and I couldn’t be happier
- 2019, im pregnant with #2
- 2019, a friend of 20 plus years got married to someone who matches her totally. I gave my speech as moh.
- and now I have gestational diabetes... wtf
Things Liam has said:
- “It only feels good to get money after you’ve done something good!” — to his dad when he tried to bribe Liam with money and failed miserably.
- “you will always be my #1 no matter what”— me to Liam
“... but I think Harper should be #1... because she’s a baby” Liam’s response
- “dad you cook tonight because mommy cooks all the time and she’s too tired” Liam to dad
- “mo-noe-ply” Liam’s current obsession
Liam is a brilliant kid and mature for his age. He is still goofy and sticks his butt out at me and hubs to fart. He and his dad play basketball in his room and they play rough. He is also good at football and watches nfl with his dad. His Korean sucks though. Ugh.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Quick Check In 2017
It’s been so long since I have written in this. Right now I’m in my third year in business school, drowning in the stress of recruiting for a job. But I’m at a better place now than two weeks ago. At least I’m done with interviews— though I’m anxiously waiting for the fate of the second one. It’s good to know I’m almost done with school. I have also been admired to the China global immersion program in March which I’m looking forward to.
Besides that, love of my life aka Liam is now 4.5 years old (almost). He does the most ridiculous things like making fart noises a while sticking out his butt at me, sometimes spreading his buttcheeks to truly display... fart. His favorite phrase is “poo poo per pee 코딱지 방구” to which he cracks up by himself immediately after. He can write his name in English, count to 100, and speaks both English and Korean. Love that he is picking up language so fast considering I didn’t teach him any English. Liam hates sleep and will fight it all the way till he can’t keep his eyes open. And he likes dancing especially with my sister. Liam has a weird addiction to 강냉이 Korean popcorn. More later!
Besides that, love of my life aka Liam is now 4.5 years old (almost). He does the most ridiculous things like making fart noises a while sticking out his butt at me, sometimes spreading his buttcheeks to truly display... fart. His favorite phrase is “poo poo per pee 코딱지 방구” to which he cracks up by himself immediately after. He can write his name in English, count to 100, and speaks both English and Korean. Love that he is picking up language so fast considering I didn’t teach him any English. Liam hates sleep and will fight it all the way till he can’t keep his eyes open. And he likes dancing especially with my sister. Liam has a weird addiction to 강냉이 Korean popcorn. More later!
Monday, March 14, 2016
Family
Seems like just yesterday when I felt I won the race of life. At the least a steel rod coach that will take me wide and far. Why I jumped off is history. It is too involved with so many different turns and twirls that I still can't put my finger on it. What remains the hardest to grasp is why these decisions, seemingly so independent and so centrally me, has to affect so many.
I guess I didn't know the impact of a marriage. I was so naive at age 25 to think marriage would be a life of living together with your best friend. No, I did not anticipate it would be hard; he was my best friend, and no, I didn't know the newly acquired roles as a daughter in law, sister in law, let alone wife would become such a force in every decision I'd make thereafter. I was 25, and not a single friend of mine was married back then. I was 25.
I guess I had wished to spend my 25-30 years to build myself... to find what I like; to find my path; and get a start in really developing who I am, and while at it, make mistakes if needed. Why? Because this is the time to explore, when I can try different things to find the right one. The important thing is to start. Get an engine going, so that when I'm 30, I have a quasi-accumulation of "experience" that will help me in a path that I would call a career.
At 26, I became pregnant, and thereafter I became a stay at home mom. While I gained the biggest bundle of joy ever to be created, the equation was not the same anymore. With Liam onboard, there was no margin for fuckups or a detour. If I was going to move my family across the sea to take a dab at ME again, there better damn be no error. But the thought never occurred to me, because I got into my dream school. What could ever stop me now?
I guess the biggest disconnect between what I had anticipated and what I faced was the dynamic of the three of us. It is as if I picked him up by his collar and then placed him in Cambridge, MA of all places, and expected him to continue his solid career that he had built for himself in Korea. Nope, that didn't happen, because hello- reality check. I had thought I could manage a schedule that would still allow me to tuck Liam in at night even if his days were mostly spent at daycare. Nope, that was impossible, because while I had anticipated the notoriously rigorous curriculum at the GSD, I couldn't fathom exactly how terrifying the actual schedule would be. Goes without saying, but sleepless in Cambridge is actually very real and obligatory. And at the time I decided to quit, I felt it was a combination of my dwindling will power and lack of architecture love that I felt this wasn't my jam. In retrospect, I realize that on top of all the aforementioned reasons, I was also under tremendous guilt as wife and mother.
Sometimes I found my husband crying inconsolably for hours. I'd ask him why, I'd ask him to vent, I'd ask him not to bottle it up inside, so that I, as his wife, can take away some of his pain. But he wouldn't say a word, and when he finally gathered himself, I' m not mad at you baby...so don't worry. I had never seen a man cry his eyes out like that. It broke my heart to see my strong protector of a husband break down, knowing that no words can really soothe him at that moment. I'd watch him cry shocked at first, but guilt-ridden and useless for the most part. I shut down his world literally- professional life gone, social life nonexistent, hobbies/interests... in Cambridge? No. And eventually, he lost the drive to find something for himself. Some days, I would look at him and feel so very sorry, but I'd quickly shut down these thought because I had more imminent things to worry about like my project that was due in the next few hours. He had lost that light in his eyes-- you know the one that anyone with a purpose has. And he would listen to me complain and bitch about God knows what, and still comfort and cheer me on. And the sad thing is I expected this from him when I fully knew he hadn't talked to a single person all day, ate by himself, and sat in the library. How tragically self centered was I? But the most unfortunate thing was the moment when he became okay with nothing. Neither one of us saw it coming, but it just happened. Complacent about his future, and becoming okay with being unstimulated. And from observing him daily, it was scary to see complacency take its toll on my husband. I could only imagine what was going on in his head. He wouldn't ever speak or complain about his days. He just kept to himself.
I still vividly remember the day I was taking Liam to the airport. He was only 15 months old and he was never separated from his mother. It was only two weeks into the semester when we decided that in order for me to get through school, Liam needs to be in the care of two fully available guardians. Chained in the studio from morning till dawn, I wouldn't come up until 3, 4 in the morning to kiss his chubby cheeks good night, as I'd weep into my pillows totally overwhelmed by guilt. He was only a baby; he didn't even walk yet, and my circumstances required his father to function as a single, stay at home dad, something we did not anticipate at all. In the backseat of the taxi, I held Liam and both of us dozed off-- me from lack of sleep from the night before, and Liam from the comfort of motion. When I opened my eyes, I was at Boston Logan airport. Liam was still asleep and at the airport cafe, we waited until boarding time. I had wished he would wake up soon so that I could see his smile one last time and tell him that we will be reunited again soon. I was the center of his life and he was mine. But he did not wake up even seconds before he left. Tears flooded from my eyes, as I knew he would wake up later on and realize I'm not there. I was there from birth to every day of his life, he would truly know that I was missing. But he couldn't say anything. He wasn't talking then. After sending them off, I could not get myself out of the restroom stall, questioning why I did anything that I did. Hardest moment of my life was accepting that I had to let go of Liam. I couldn't, but I tried to ignore it.
I had meticulously planned for graduate school since years before, before Liam was even conceived. In terms of school, everything went according to plan. Everything happened as I had wished. And I was finally here living in that moment that I had only dreamt about. But the reality was so different, all a consequence of trying to do me when it was no longer just me. Granted I had a later start than I had wished, I eloped to begin my future, the one of the 25 year old when you attempt and change as you wish, because you just don't fully know yourself, your eclectic tastes, your work style, preference, etc. When it is okay to take an alternate route, to detour, to make mistakes. I had begun this, though, with a family. And though I had no intention of changing my path when I entered grad school, this is what I failed to recognize, that I'm no longer just me.
I guess I didn't know the impact of a marriage. I was so naive at age 25 to think marriage would be a life of living together with your best friend. No, I did not anticipate it would be hard; he was my best friend, and no, I didn't know the newly acquired roles as a daughter in law, sister in law, let alone wife would become such a force in every decision I'd make thereafter. I was 25, and not a single friend of mine was married back then. I was 25.
I guess I had wished to spend my 25-30 years to build myself... to find what I like; to find my path; and get a start in really developing who I am, and while at it, make mistakes if needed. Why? Because this is the time to explore, when I can try different things to find the right one. The important thing is to start. Get an engine going, so that when I'm 30, I have a quasi-accumulation of "experience" that will help me in a path that I would call a career.
At 26, I became pregnant, and thereafter I became a stay at home mom. While I gained the biggest bundle of joy ever to be created, the equation was not the same anymore. With Liam onboard, there was no margin for fuckups or a detour. If I was going to move my family across the sea to take a dab at ME again, there better damn be no error. But the thought never occurred to me, because I got into my dream school. What could ever stop me now?
I guess the biggest disconnect between what I had anticipated and what I faced was the dynamic of the three of us. It is as if I picked him up by his collar and then placed him in Cambridge, MA of all places, and expected him to continue his solid career that he had built for himself in Korea. Nope, that didn't happen, because hello- reality check. I had thought I could manage a schedule that would still allow me to tuck Liam in at night even if his days were mostly spent at daycare. Nope, that was impossible, because while I had anticipated the notoriously rigorous curriculum at the GSD, I couldn't fathom exactly how terrifying the actual schedule would be. Goes without saying, but sleepless in Cambridge is actually very real and obligatory. And at the time I decided to quit, I felt it was a combination of my dwindling will power and lack of architecture love that I felt this wasn't my jam. In retrospect, I realize that on top of all the aforementioned reasons, I was also under tremendous guilt as wife and mother.
Sometimes I found my husband crying inconsolably for hours. I'd ask him why, I'd ask him to vent, I'd ask him not to bottle it up inside, so that I, as his wife, can take away some of his pain. But he wouldn't say a word, and when he finally gathered himself, I' m not mad at you baby...so don't worry. I had never seen a man cry his eyes out like that. It broke my heart to see my strong protector of a husband break down, knowing that no words can really soothe him at that moment. I'd watch him cry shocked at first, but guilt-ridden and useless for the most part. I shut down his world literally- professional life gone, social life nonexistent, hobbies/interests... in Cambridge? No. And eventually, he lost the drive to find something for himself. Some days, I would look at him and feel so very sorry, but I'd quickly shut down these thought because I had more imminent things to worry about like my project that was due in the next few hours. He had lost that light in his eyes-- you know the one that anyone with a purpose has. And he would listen to me complain and bitch about God knows what, and still comfort and cheer me on. And the sad thing is I expected this from him when I fully knew he hadn't talked to a single person all day, ate by himself, and sat in the library. How tragically self centered was I? But the most unfortunate thing was the moment when he became okay with nothing. Neither one of us saw it coming, but it just happened. Complacent about his future, and becoming okay with being unstimulated. And from observing him daily, it was scary to see complacency take its toll on my husband. I could only imagine what was going on in his head. He wouldn't ever speak or complain about his days. He just kept to himself.
I still vividly remember the day I was taking Liam to the airport. He was only 15 months old and he was never separated from his mother. It was only two weeks into the semester when we decided that in order for me to get through school, Liam needs to be in the care of two fully available guardians. Chained in the studio from morning till dawn, I wouldn't come up until 3, 4 in the morning to kiss his chubby cheeks good night, as I'd weep into my pillows totally overwhelmed by guilt. He was only a baby; he didn't even walk yet, and my circumstances required his father to function as a single, stay at home dad, something we did not anticipate at all. In the backseat of the taxi, I held Liam and both of us dozed off-- me from lack of sleep from the night before, and Liam from the comfort of motion. When I opened my eyes, I was at Boston Logan airport. Liam was still asleep and at the airport cafe, we waited until boarding time. I had wished he would wake up soon so that I could see his smile one last time and tell him that we will be reunited again soon. I was the center of his life and he was mine. But he did not wake up even seconds before he left. Tears flooded from my eyes, as I knew he would wake up later on and realize I'm not there. I was there from birth to every day of his life, he would truly know that I was missing. But he couldn't say anything. He wasn't talking then. After sending them off, I could not get myself out of the restroom stall, questioning why I did anything that I did. Hardest moment of my life was accepting that I had to let go of Liam. I couldn't, but I tried to ignore it.
I had meticulously planned for graduate school since years before, before Liam was even conceived. In terms of school, everything went according to plan. Everything happened as I had wished. And I was finally here living in that moment that I had only dreamt about. But the reality was so different, all a consequence of trying to do me when it was no longer just me. Granted I had a later start than I had wished, I eloped to begin my future, the one of the 25 year old when you attempt and change as you wish, because you just don't fully know yourself, your eclectic tastes, your work style, preference, etc. When it is okay to take an alternate route, to detour, to make mistakes. I had begun this, though, with a family. And though I had no intention of changing my path when I entered grad school, this is what I failed to recognize, that I'm no longer just me.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
First Day of December
There are times when I feel a huge load of regret. This keeps me up at night and I've been unable to fall soundly asleep the last couple days. Reminiscing about my past and thinking about what I'd do differently if I were granted the opportunity to go back. How different life would be? It's really hard to put my finger on it, but I feel a darkness somewhere very close to my heart. And I don't mean darkness, as in a cynical evil or a skeleton in the closet type of darkness, but like a fog, an empty feeling that is just gnawing away. And it is always in these wee hours of the morning when everyone is asleep that these thoughts cloud me and I'm imbued with regret and nostalgia.
Shake it off.
On a brighter note, Liam is 30 months now. Today's "first" is his counting. He counted from 1 to 10, saying every other number with me. As of late, he sings his head off (without words) to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When I sing this to him at night, he puts his thumb up and I feel so very proud of myself like I just won a cookie. His aegyo is just full on blooming. He waddles to his teacher and leans forward suggestively so that she can hug him. That little... Anyhow, starting preschool is one of the best decisions we've ever made for him. He seems so much more comfortable around a large group of people and learns a lot at school. He is socializing and this makes me so happy, because the three of us lived in solitude the past year. Liam is potty trained now since two months ago. His favorite fruit is still bananas. He acknowledges the Christmas tree we put up and sometimes touches the lights, but very awkwardly as if it is hot. Was hoping he'd be more enthusiastic over it but can't ask for more. He loves playing choo-choo with me and I love stacking legos higher than his height with him. He laughs so hard when it tilts and falls over. He also loves hide and seek, and he insists I always hide with him while Dad comes searching for us. Normally inside the castle tent is where we hide, and his smile is ear to ear barely containing the excitement as his Dad says "Where's my Liam boo?" Liam sometimes squeals because he just can't contain it. And it is the cutest thing ever. His love for "Ha-buh-jee" is infinite, and he loves battling "moo-wee versus fountain" with us. His second love is "ipeh" (ipad) and his number one love is umma. Liam loves his appa, too. I could tell because he silently goes to hug his dad's leg when he is busy putting on lotion.
Shake it off.
On a brighter note, Liam is 30 months now. Today's "first" is his counting. He counted from 1 to 10, saying every other number with me. As of late, he sings his head off (without words) to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When I sing this to him at night, he puts his thumb up and I feel so very proud of myself like I just won a cookie. His aegyo is just full on blooming. He waddles to his teacher and leans forward suggestively so that she can hug him. That little... Anyhow, starting preschool is one of the best decisions we've ever made for him. He seems so much more comfortable around a large group of people and learns a lot at school. He is socializing and this makes me so happy, because the three of us lived in solitude the past year. Liam is potty trained now since two months ago. His favorite fruit is still bananas. He acknowledges the Christmas tree we put up and sometimes touches the lights, but very awkwardly as if it is hot. Was hoping he'd be more enthusiastic over it but can't ask for more. He loves playing choo-choo with me and I love stacking legos higher than his height with him. He laughs so hard when it tilts and falls over. He also loves hide and seek, and he insists I always hide with him while Dad comes searching for us. Normally inside the castle tent is where we hide, and his smile is ear to ear barely containing the excitement as his Dad says "Where's my Liam boo?" Liam sometimes squeals because he just can't contain it. And it is the cutest thing ever. His love for "Ha-buh-jee" is infinite, and he loves battling "moo-wee versus fountain" with us. His second love is "ipeh" (ipad) and his number one love is umma. Liam loves his appa, too. I could tell because he silently goes to hug his dad's leg when he is busy putting on lotion.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Reunion
After having been separated from him for four months, I've grown a stronger, tighter hold to Liam. It's really crazy to think that we were separated for that long, but when I look back, everything makes sense. Every decision we made was logical and well thought-out, and maybe this is why I felt guilty for the duration of our separation-- that there was a justification in mom's mind to be separated across the globe for that long. Anyhow, enough with the past especially since we are reunited and joined at the hip.
Liam's new favorite fruit is bananas. He absolutely adores Pororo and eats dduk-gook especially well. His favorite toy is his orange rider that has the function of a skateboard except you sit on the board. He will scurry about the living room as fast as he could, and once he gets bored, he will signal for me to ride in the back of the single seat, which requires me to carefully position myself so that I don't hurt myself. After some time, he tells me to get off and brings the cheaper, lower-tiered toy train rider with plastic wheels that barely roll. He signals that I get on that and share the same enthusiasm as he glides smoothly about our house while I haul my ass on the cheap plastic train. We do this every day.
Liam has the full-bloomed character of a boy-- he has a victory laugh. The sound is one of triumph that jeers at the opponent. It is accompanied with a smirk of "I got you" and he never fails to put it on full display/audio when he defeats me in whatever he does. Absolutely hilarious. But at the same time, he is the sweetest little boy ever. He really loves his mother and shows me even in the most subtle ways. Being with him truly makes me feel alive and everything is worth it.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Dating HJC
On our fourth year of marriage, hubs and I have become so "married" that I often wonder how it felt to be dating the romantic HJC (my hub's initials). So before my memory wears out on me, I want to forever cherish those moments that I thought would last forever.
Things he would do when we were dating:
- Every Sunday evening, we would go to Emart to get my groceries for the week at his expense. He would buy and carry them up three flights of stairs.
- Every morning, I would wake up to find a bible verse texted to my phone. So each and every day that I was with him, I would begin my day thinking about God.
- He would often pick me up from yoga late in the evening to buy me a very nourishing but fattening meal such as 삼계탕. He always fed me so well.
- He would pay for all my medical bills when I never asked him to.
- He was the most gentle creature I had ever met. And he still is.
- He has always placed my wants and needs wayyy before his.
- He would come and see me for ten minutes during my break time at work to get me coffee.
- He was my driver and happily so. Coming my tutor's house at the end of my session to drive me to work right away, saving me the trip of riding in the subway and transferring three times.
- His eyes lit up when he saw me. People have told me so quite often as well. I took this for granted.
Friday, September 5, 2014
he stood up
Liam stood up all by himself today 9.5.2014. He also demanded we clap every time he stood up. He loves praise. And I love giving it.
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