May

May has been a month of trial-- a time that nurtured both my highest of highs and the lowest pitfalls to ever confront me.  It hasn't ended just yet and every day is as unpredictable as Korea's weather. I can't put into words the thrill and love it brought us all. Each day I woke up to a faithful sunny morning, its warmth reaching the deepest corners. I was on cloud nine waiting to share with the world. I took joy in comforting myself with the best of the best (guilt-free might I add). It was like a simulated music video, the nostalgic type that sings of former happy times in vintage film role.  This strange presence propelled me to a high I couldn't shake off and also, and just as firmly, to a sense of oh it's time, girl.

I don't know what happened since then but I fell off my cloud. It has been a week and I'm still falling, waiting to hit the bottom of the pit. The fall is like an eternal free-fall. No, it doesn't hurt but it feels quite empty. I sometime forget that I'm even falling but each night before I run free to my dreams, the facts faithfully bring me to a dark dark cave. And it is in that dark cave that I hope that my disillusionment would take me away to my slumber.  The thing is, I don't know if I'll ever reach the bottom. The thing about pain is that you can't seem to put your finger on it.  Closure is the easiest answer and if you're lucky you'll get it. But I think for most people, pain crashes onto you hard at the most unpredictable times. Other times, it creeps on you. And it simply is the moment when you think you've overcome it that the pain and memory revisit you, and quite vividly at that. At the end of day, I'm back at square 1 where the series of events on that dreadful Thursday resurface to the edge of my closest memory. I had liked to think that I was all cried out. Time passes too slowly.

Right now, it is too soon to configure God into this whole mix, so please do not rush me, and do not preach to me.  I just need to let it settle and experience it for however long it takes, at least right now. I have been holding onto my other half with greater intensity than ever; I need to, for he brings a calm that I struggle to gain. And I am genuinely thankful of all the loved ones who grieved alongside and supported us from day 1. I didn't realize the bundles of blessings around us. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

I miss you.