It is literally two hours before it’s 2020.
And since I had completely neglected documenting anything in 2018-2019, below is what I have for memory’s sake:
- 2018, I finished my MBA
- 2018, I left my job (the worst company ever) and found a new job through my MBA network
- 2018, we became home owners
- 2019, I got recognized for my performance at work and I must say, rightfully so.
- 2019, Liam entered 1st grade and he is so brilliant. He too is being recognized for his academic achievements and I couldn’t be happier
- 2019, im pregnant with #2
- 2019, a friend of 20 plus years got married to someone who matches her totally. I gave my speech as moh.
- and now I have gestational diabetes... wtf
Things Liam has said:
- “It only feels good to get money after you’ve done something good!” — to his dad when he tried to bribe Liam with money and failed miserably.
- “you will always be my #1 no matter what”— me to Liam
“... but I think Harper should be #1... because she’s a baby” Liam’s response
- “dad you cook tonight because mommy cooks all the time and she’s too tired” Liam to dad
- “mo-noe-ply” Liam’s current obsession
Liam is a brilliant kid and mature for his age. He is still goofy and sticks his butt out at me and hubs to fart. He and his dad play basketball in his room and they play rough. He is also good at football and watches nfl with his dad. His Korean sucks though. Ugh.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Quick Check In 2017
It’s been so long since I have written in this. Right now I’m in my third year in business school, drowning in the stress of recruiting for a job. But I’m at a better place now than two weeks ago. At least I’m done with interviews— though I’m anxiously waiting for the fate of the second one. It’s good to know I’m almost done with school. I have also been admired to the China global immersion program in March which I’m looking forward to.
Besides that, love of my life aka Liam is now 4.5 years old (almost). He does the most ridiculous things like making fart noises a while sticking out his butt at me, sometimes spreading his buttcheeks to truly display... fart. His favorite phrase is “poo poo per pee 코딱지 방구” to which he cracks up by himself immediately after. He can write his name in English, count to 100, and speaks both English and Korean. Love that he is picking up language so fast considering I didn’t teach him any English. Liam hates sleep and will fight it all the way till he can’t keep his eyes open. And he likes dancing especially with my sister. Liam has a weird addiction to 강냉이 Korean popcorn. More later!
Besides that, love of my life aka Liam is now 4.5 years old (almost). He does the most ridiculous things like making fart noises a while sticking out his butt at me, sometimes spreading his buttcheeks to truly display... fart. His favorite phrase is “poo poo per pee 코딱지 방구” to which he cracks up by himself immediately after. He can write his name in English, count to 100, and speaks both English and Korean. Love that he is picking up language so fast considering I didn’t teach him any English. Liam hates sleep and will fight it all the way till he can’t keep his eyes open. And he likes dancing especially with my sister. Liam has a weird addiction to 강냉이 Korean popcorn. More later!
Monday, March 14, 2016
Family
Seems like just yesterday when I felt I won the race of life. At the least a steel rod coach that will take me wide and far. Why I jumped off is history. It is too involved with so many different turns and twirls that I still can't put my finger on it. What remains the hardest to grasp is why these decisions, seemingly so independent and so centrally me, has to affect so many.
I guess I didn't know the impact of a marriage. I was so naive at age 25 to think marriage would be a life of living together with your best friend. No, I did not anticipate it would be hard; he was my best friend, and no, I didn't know the newly acquired roles as a daughter in law, sister in law, let alone wife would become such a force in every decision I'd make thereafter. I was 25, and not a single friend of mine was married back then. I was 25.
I guess I had wished to spend my 25-30 years to build myself... to find what I like; to find my path; and get a start in really developing who I am, and while at it, make mistakes if needed. Why? Because this is the time to explore, when I can try different things to find the right one. The important thing is to start. Get an engine going, so that when I'm 30, I have a quasi-accumulation of "experience" that will help me in a path that I would call a career.
At 26, I became pregnant, and thereafter I became a stay at home mom. While I gained the biggest bundle of joy ever to be created, the equation was not the same anymore. With Liam onboard, there was no margin for fuckups or a detour. If I was going to move my family across the sea to take a dab at ME again, there better damn be no error. But the thought never occurred to me, because I got into my dream school. What could ever stop me now?
I guess the biggest disconnect between what I had anticipated and what I faced was the dynamic of the three of us. It is as if I picked him up by his collar and then placed him in Cambridge, MA of all places, and expected him to continue his solid career that he had built for himself in Korea. Nope, that didn't happen, because hello- reality check. I had thought I could manage a schedule that would still allow me to tuck Liam in at night even if his days were mostly spent at daycare. Nope, that was impossible, because while I had anticipated the notoriously rigorous curriculum at the GSD, I couldn't fathom exactly how terrifying the actual schedule would be. Goes without saying, but sleepless in Cambridge is actually very real and obligatory. And at the time I decided to quit, I felt it was a combination of my dwindling will power and lack of architecture love that I felt this wasn't my jam. In retrospect, I realize that on top of all the aforementioned reasons, I was also under tremendous guilt as wife and mother.
Sometimes I found my husband crying inconsolably for hours. I'd ask him why, I'd ask him to vent, I'd ask him not to bottle it up inside, so that I, as his wife, can take away some of his pain. But he wouldn't say a word, and when he finally gathered himself, I' m not mad at you baby...so don't worry. I had never seen a man cry his eyes out like that. It broke my heart to see my strong protector of a husband break down, knowing that no words can really soothe him at that moment. I'd watch him cry shocked at first, but guilt-ridden and useless for the most part. I shut down his world literally- professional life gone, social life nonexistent, hobbies/interests... in Cambridge? No. And eventually, he lost the drive to find something for himself. Some days, I would look at him and feel so very sorry, but I'd quickly shut down these thought because I had more imminent things to worry about like my project that was due in the next few hours. He had lost that light in his eyes-- you know the one that anyone with a purpose has. And he would listen to me complain and bitch about God knows what, and still comfort and cheer me on. And the sad thing is I expected this from him when I fully knew he hadn't talked to a single person all day, ate by himself, and sat in the library. How tragically self centered was I? But the most unfortunate thing was the moment when he became okay with nothing. Neither one of us saw it coming, but it just happened. Complacent about his future, and becoming okay with being unstimulated. And from observing him daily, it was scary to see complacency take its toll on my husband. I could only imagine what was going on in his head. He wouldn't ever speak or complain about his days. He just kept to himself.
I still vividly remember the day I was taking Liam to the airport. He was only 15 months old and he was never separated from his mother. It was only two weeks into the semester when we decided that in order for me to get through school, Liam needs to be in the care of two fully available guardians. Chained in the studio from morning till dawn, I wouldn't come up until 3, 4 in the morning to kiss his chubby cheeks good night, as I'd weep into my pillows totally overwhelmed by guilt. He was only a baby; he didn't even walk yet, and my circumstances required his father to function as a single, stay at home dad, something we did not anticipate at all. In the backseat of the taxi, I held Liam and both of us dozed off-- me from lack of sleep from the night before, and Liam from the comfort of motion. When I opened my eyes, I was at Boston Logan airport. Liam was still asleep and at the airport cafe, we waited until boarding time. I had wished he would wake up soon so that I could see his smile one last time and tell him that we will be reunited again soon. I was the center of his life and he was mine. But he did not wake up even seconds before he left. Tears flooded from my eyes, as I knew he would wake up later on and realize I'm not there. I was there from birth to every day of his life, he would truly know that I was missing. But he couldn't say anything. He wasn't talking then. After sending them off, I could not get myself out of the restroom stall, questioning why I did anything that I did. Hardest moment of my life was accepting that I had to let go of Liam. I couldn't, but I tried to ignore it.
I had meticulously planned for graduate school since years before, before Liam was even conceived. In terms of school, everything went according to plan. Everything happened as I had wished. And I was finally here living in that moment that I had only dreamt about. But the reality was so different, all a consequence of trying to do me when it was no longer just me. Granted I had a later start than I had wished, I eloped to begin my future, the one of the 25 year old when you attempt and change as you wish, because you just don't fully know yourself, your eclectic tastes, your work style, preference, etc. When it is okay to take an alternate route, to detour, to make mistakes. I had begun this, though, with a family. And though I had no intention of changing my path when I entered grad school, this is what I failed to recognize, that I'm no longer just me.
I guess I didn't know the impact of a marriage. I was so naive at age 25 to think marriage would be a life of living together with your best friend. No, I did not anticipate it would be hard; he was my best friend, and no, I didn't know the newly acquired roles as a daughter in law, sister in law, let alone wife would become such a force in every decision I'd make thereafter. I was 25, and not a single friend of mine was married back then. I was 25.
I guess I had wished to spend my 25-30 years to build myself... to find what I like; to find my path; and get a start in really developing who I am, and while at it, make mistakes if needed. Why? Because this is the time to explore, when I can try different things to find the right one. The important thing is to start. Get an engine going, so that when I'm 30, I have a quasi-accumulation of "experience" that will help me in a path that I would call a career.
At 26, I became pregnant, and thereafter I became a stay at home mom. While I gained the biggest bundle of joy ever to be created, the equation was not the same anymore. With Liam onboard, there was no margin for fuckups or a detour. If I was going to move my family across the sea to take a dab at ME again, there better damn be no error. But the thought never occurred to me, because I got into my dream school. What could ever stop me now?
I guess the biggest disconnect between what I had anticipated and what I faced was the dynamic of the three of us. It is as if I picked him up by his collar and then placed him in Cambridge, MA of all places, and expected him to continue his solid career that he had built for himself in Korea. Nope, that didn't happen, because hello- reality check. I had thought I could manage a schedule that would still allow me to tuck Liam in at night even if his days were mostly spent at daycare. Nope, that was impossible, because while I had anticipated the notoriously rigorous curriculum at the GSD, I couldn't fathom exactly how terrifying the actual schedule would be. Goes without saying, but sleepless in Cambridge is actually very real and obligatory. And at the time I decided to quit, I felt it was a combination of my dwindling will power and lack of architecture love that I felt this wasn't my jam. In retrospect, I realize that on top of all the aforementioned reasons, I was also under tremendous guilt as wife and mother.
Sometimes I found my husband crying inconsolably for hours. I'd ask him why, I'd ask him to vent, I'd ask him not to bottle it up inside, so that I, as his wife, can take away some of his pain. But he wouldn't say a word, and when he finally gathered himself, I' m not mad at you baby...so don't worry. I had never seen a man cry his eyes out like that. It broke my heart to see my strong protector of a husband break down, knowing that no words can really soothe him at that moment. I'd watch him cry shocked at first, but guilt-ridden and useless for the most part. I shut down his world literally- professional life gone, social life nonexistent, hobbies/interests... in Cambridge? No. And eventually, he lost the drive to find something for himself. Some days, I would look at him and feel so very sorry, but I'd quickly shut down these thought because I had more imminent things to worry about like my project that was due in the next few hours. He had lost that light in his eyes-- you know the one that anyone with a purpose has. And he would listen to me complain and bitch about God knows what, and still comfort and cheer me on. And the sad thing is I expected this from him when I fully knew he hadn't talked to a single person all day, ate by himself, and sat in the library. How tragically self centered was I? But the most unfortunate thing was the moment when he became okay with nothing. Neither one of us saw it coming, but it just happened. Complacent about his future, and becoming okay with being unstimulated. And from observing him daily, it was scary to see complacency take its toll on my husband. I could only imagine what was going on in his head. He wouldn't ever speak or complain about his days. He just kept to himself.
I still vividly remember the day I was taking Liam to the airport. He was only 15 months old and he was never separated from his mother. It was only two weeks into the semester when we decided that in order for me to get through school, Liam needs to be in the care of two fully available guardians. Chained in the studio from morning till dawn, I wouldn't come up until 3, 4 in the morning to kiss his chubby cheeks good night, as I'd weep into my pillows totally overwhelmed by guilt. He was only a baby; he didn't even walk yet, and my circumstances required his father to function as a single, stay at home dad, something we did not anticipate at all. In the backseat of the taxi, I held Liam and both of us dozed off-- me from lack of sleep from the night before, and Liam from the comfort of motion. When I opened my eyes, I was at Boston Logan airport. Liam was still asleep and at the airport cafe, we waited until boarding time. I had wished he would wake up soon so that I could see his smile one last time and tell him that we will be reunited again soon. I was the center of his life and he was mine. But he did not wake up even seconds before he left. Tears flooded from my eyes, as I knew he would wake up later on and realize I'm not there. I was there from birth to every day of his life, he would truly know that I was missing. But he couldn't say anything. He wasn't talking then. After sending them off, I could not get myself out of the restroom stall, questioning why I did anything that I did. Hardest moment of my life was accepting that I had to let go of Liam. I couldn't, but I tried to ignore it.
I had meticulously planned for graduate school since years before, before Liam was even conceived. In terms of school, everything went according to plan. Everything happened as I had wished. And I was finally here living in that moment that I had only dreamt about. But the reality was so different, all a consequence of trying to do me when it was no longer just me. Granted I had a later start than I had wished, I eloped to begin my future, the one of the 25 year old when you attempt and change as you wish, because you just don't fully know yourself, your eclectic tastes, your work style, preference, etc. When it is okay to take an alternate route, to detour, to make mistakes. I had begun this, though, with a family. And though I had no intention of changing my path when I entered grad school, this is what I failed to recognize, that I'm no longer just me.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
First Day of December
There are times when I feel a huge load of regret. This keeps me up at night and I've been unable to fall soundly asleep the last couple days. Reminiscing about my past and thinking about what I'd do differently if I were granted the opportunity to go back. How different life would be? It's really hard to put my finger on it, but I feel a darkness somewhere very close to my heart. And I don't mean darkness, as in a cynical evil or a skeleton in the closet type of darkness, but like a fog, an empty feeling that is just gnawing away. And it is always in these wee hours of the morning when everyone is asleep that these thoughts cloud me and I'm imbued with regret and nostalgia.
Shake it off.
On a brighter note, Liam is 30 months now. Today's "first" is his counting. He counted from 1 to 10, saying every other number with me. As of late, he sings his head off (without words) to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When I sing this to him at night, he puts his thumb up and I feel so very proud of myself like I just won a cookie. His aegyo is just full on blooming. He waddles to his teacher and leans forward suggestively so that she can hug him. That little... Anyhow, starting preschool is one of the best decisions we've ever made for him. He seems so much more comfortable around a large group of people and learns a lot at school. He is socializing and this makes me so happy, because the three of us lived in solitude the past year. Liam is potty trained now since two months ago. His favorite fruit is still bananas. He acknowledges the Christmas tree we put up and sometimes touches the lights, but very awkwardly as if it is hot. Was hoping he'd be more enthusiastic over it but can't ask for more. He loves playing choo-choo with me and I love stacking legos higher than his height with him. He laughs so hard when it tilts and falls over. He also loves hide and seek, and he insists I always hide with him while Dad comes searching for us. Normally inside the castle tent is where we hide, and his smile is ear to ear barely containing the excitement as his Dad says "Where's my Liam boo?" Liam sometimes squeals because he just can't contain it. And it is the cutest thing ever. His love for "Ha-buh-jee" is infinite, and he loves battling "moo-wee versus fountain" with us. His second love is "ipeh" (ipad) and his number one love is umma. Liam loves his appa, too. I could tell because he silently goes to hug his dad's leg when he is busy putting on lotion.
Shake it off.
On a brighter note, Liam is 30 months now. Today's "first" is his counting. He counted from 1 to 10, saying every other number with me. As of late, he sings his head off (without words) to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When I sing this to him at night, he puts his thumb up and I feel so very proud of myself like I just won a cookie. His aegyo is just full on blooming. He waddles to his teacher and leans forward suggestively so that she can hug him. That little... Anyhow, starting preschool is one of the best decisions we've ever made for him. He seems so much more comfortable around a large group of people and learns a lot at school. He is socializing and this makes me so happy, because the three of us lived in solitude the past year. Liam is potty trained now since two months ago. His favorite fruit is still bananas. He acknowledges the Christmas tree we put up and sometimes touches the lights, but very awkwardly as if it is hot. Was hoping he'd be more enthusiastic over it but can't ask for more. He loves playing choo-choo with me and I love stacking legos higher than his height with him. He laughs so hard when it tilts and falls over. He also loves hide and seek, and he insists I always hide with him while Dad comes searching for us. Normally inside the castle tent is where we hide, and his smile is ear to ear barely containing the excitement as his Dad says "Where's my Liam boo?" Liam sometimes squeals because he just can't contain it. And it is the cutest thing ever. His love for "Ha-buh-jee" is infinite, and he loves battling "moo-wee versus fountain" with us. His second love is "ipeh" (ipad) and his number one love is umma. Liam loves his appa, too. I could tell because he silently goes to hug his dad's leg when he is busy putting on lotion.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Reunion
After having been separated from him for four months, I've grown a stronger, tighter hold to Liam. It's really crazy to think that we were separated for that long, but when I look back, everything makes sense. Every decision we made was logical and well thought-out, and maybe this is why I felt guilty for the duration of our separation-- that there was a justification in mom's mind to be separated across the globe for that long. Anyhow, enough with the past especially since we are reunited and joined at the hip.
Liam's new favorite fruit is bananas. He absolutely adores Pororo and eats dduk-gook especially well. His favorite toy is his orange rider that has the function of a skateboard except you sit on the board. He will scurry about the living room as fast as he could, and once he gets bored, he will signal for me to ride in the back of the single seat, which requires me to carefully position myself so that I don't hurt myself. After some time, he tells me to get off and brings the cheaper, lower-tiered toy train rider with plastic wheels that barely roll. He signals that I get on that and share the same enthusiasm as he glides smoothly about our house while I haul my ass on the cheap plastic train. We do this every day.
Liam has the full-bloomed character of a boy-- he has a victory laugh. The sound is one of triumph that jeers at the opponent. It is accompanied with a smirk of "I got you" and he never fails to put it on full display/audio when he defeats me in whatever he does. Absolutely hilarious. But at the same time, he is the sweetest little boy ever. He really loves his mother and shows me even in the most subtle ways. Being with him truly makes me feel alive and everything is worth it.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Dating HJC
On our fourth year of marriage, hubs and I have become so "married" that I often wonder how it felt to be dating the romantic HJC (my hub's initials). So before my memory wears out on me, I want to forever cherish those moments that I thought would last forever.
Things he would do when we were dating:
- Every Sunday evening, we would go to Emart to get my groceries for the week at his expense. He would buy and carry them up three flights of stairs.
- Every morning, I would wake up to find a bible verse texted to my phone. So each and every day that I was with him, I would begin my day thinking about God.
- He would often pick me up from yoga late in the evening to buy me a very nourishing but fattening meal such as 삼계탕. He always fed me so well.
- He would pay for all my medical bills when I never asked him to.
- He was the most gentle creature I had ever met. And he still is.
- He has always placed my wants and needs wayyy before his.
- He would come and see me for ten minutes during my break time at work to get me coffee.
- He was my driver and happily so. Coming my tutor's house at the end of my session to drive me to work right away, saving me the trip of riding in the subway and transferring three times.
- His eyes lit up when he saw me. People have told me so quite often as well. I took this for granted.
Friday, September 5, 2014
he stood up
Liam stood up all by himself today 9.5.2014. He also demanded we clap every time he stood up. He loves praise. And I love giving it.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Back to School
In exactly 1 hour and 30 minutes, I will be welcoming the first day of a whole new beginning. It is the first day of graduate school and yet I feel so burdened by the thought of starting. When I first entered college in 2003, I couldn't wait to start. Undergrad was an era of zeal and youth. It was a time of discovery and constant fuck ups in all sorts of manner. Yet everything became okay in the end. Grades, relationships, and adventures that I deemed necessary for the 18-22 years of age were, in retrospect, a bubble on a vast platform. Gone in an instant. Now here I am a decade later, standing on my tiptoes to get that glimpse of confidence, but for some reason I feel sick to the stomach. How would I ever go through all the assignments and the studio when my software faculty is virtually nonexistent? How will I ever come to peace with my guilt over being a compromised mother? Tomorrow... please don't come!
On the other hand, updates on Liam:
He is now embarking on his 16th month. He understands so much now. His favorite fruit is blueberries. He squeals and laughs while crunching his nose at the sight of blueberries. We melt. I taught him how to stack cups today. He knew instantly he had to stack and push down for the cups to for them to stay together. I'm amazed day by day at how much he is developing. He still wakes up before us and plays around the bed until he gets tired and wakes me up. He greets me with the biggest smile and he just makes my day from the morning. Hm... what else? Liam has stood... yes! Hasn't starting walking yet and doesn't seem to want to try, but he'll get there. I don't mind. Whenever he bangs his head on the something, he pauses and then looks at me. The moment we make eye contact is when he decides that it hurt and starts crying lol. He loves the moments following his bath when I lay him on the bed to clothe him. He uncovers himself from the towel and scurries about the bed, as if I'm chasing him, all the while completely naked laughing his head off. I guess it feels good to be free from his diapers.
On the other hand, updates on Liam:
He is now embarking on his 16th month. He understands so much now. His favorite fruit is blueberries. He squeals and laughs while crunching his nose at the sight of blueberries. We melt. I taught him how to stack cups today. He knew instantly he had to stack and push down for the cups to for them to stay together. I'm amazed day by day at how much he is developing. He still wakes up before us and plays around the bed until he gets tired and wakes me up. He greets me with the biggest smile and he just makes my day from the morning. Hm... what else? Liam has stood... yes! Hasn't starting walking yet and doesn't seem to want to try, but he'll get there. I don't mind. Whenever he bangs his head on the something, he pauses and then looks at me. The moment we make eye contact is when he decides that it hurt and starts crying lol. He loves the moments following his bath when I lay him on the bed to clothe him. He uncovers himself from the towel and scurries about the bed, as if I'm chasing him, all the while completely naked laughing his head off. I guess it feels good to be free from his diapers.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Liam is well into his 15th month now. His character and preferences are ever more distinct and I can't help but to wish he will stay like this forever. His cuteness overwhelms me and seeing him reach one milestone after another reconditions the various perspectives I have on... well, a lot of various things. I think babies have the the most humbling influence on people. The world you live in is not very important. It is just a system defined by variables and conditions. We often get swamped in the vast sea of responsibilites, ideologies, that we somehow along the way lose our perspective. Liam has repositioned mine to a much simpler location, and I'm so grateful for that.
Some.of Liam ' s idiosyncrasies that I want to remember forever:
- his eyes light up and his lips curl into a huge smile that lets our bursts of laughter when I ask him if he wants fruit especially blueberries. Husband and I can no longer use that word in vain or else he'll throw a fit if he does not get some.
- he wears my indoor slippers. On his hands. when he crawls about the home.
- he loves to snack. He loves to eat.
- he wants me to carry him even when hrs in his stroller
- he finds his bellybutton amusing.
- he wraps.his arms around my neck and hugs me. Quite often and it is the warmest and most complete feeling a human may feel.
-
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Smile and frown
It's funny because just yesterday Liam started frowning ...especially at his dad. It's the cutest thing to see a different expression on that sweet angel face. But frown no more baby!!
I'm so tired from studying.
So far, Liam is 14 months. 4 teeth. 2 protruding. He poops and sleeps well. He is a fruit monster. He can clean a plate of fruit if he tried. He hugs and dances while snapping his fingers in his own way. The cutest!!! He loves mama bear and I feel it. It is the most complete feeling a human can possibly feel.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Angels harps heavens hallelujah
So much has happened in the last six months. The word calculus will forever be synonymous with the words 'terror,' 'death,' etc. Never have I crammed so much info into my brain. Calculus in six weeks is simply inhumane.
But as promised, God gives only as much as I can handle. Somehow I barely made it out alive even though every inch of my body was crying 'no more.' My weight had plummeted, skin had aged, health had abandoned, yet the glory that came afterwards made it all worth it. Calculus in six weeks was not work in vain.
Acceptance letters started rolling in not too long after. MIT was the first. I thought it was a sick prank of an unjustified human being who wanted to torture the crippled. A joke that mocked the efforts of all who were praying for acceptance. Offering a full ride? Um who does that? And are u taking to m...e?
Guess it wasn't a joke after all. Eventually seven school extended their hand and one didn't. I'm glad Harvard wasn't the latter.
Angels harps heavens hallelujah!
But as promised, God gives only as much as I can handle. Somehow I barely made it out alive even though every inch of my body was crying 'no more.' My weight had plummeted, skin had aged, health had abandoned, yet the glory that came afterwards made it all worth it. Calculus in six weeks was not work in vain.
Acceptance letters started rolling in not too long after. MIT was the first. I thought it was a sick prank of an unjustified human being who wanted to torture the crippled. A joke that mocked the efforts of all who were praying for acceptance. Offering a full ride? Um who does that? And are u taking to m...e?
Guess it wasn't a joke after all. Eventually seven school extended their hand and one didn't. I'm glad Harvard wasn't the latter.
Angels harps heavens hallelujah!
Friday, January 3, 2014
A Start to a Finish
Up until today, I had been rigorously working on my portfolio and applications for graduate school. RIGOROUSLY for about a couple months. I had never been this busy, because I really believe I took multi-tasking to a new dimension. From conceptualization of idea, sketches, material selection, the actual artwork, photos (always getting into a situation while paying $$$), insert photo into ID-- all this in about 3-4 different versions. My portfolio contains about 20 pieces of artwork, might I add.
Though during this time, I have emaciated down to 45.6 kgs (and not in a toned way, but just flat out desiccated from stress and overwork) and have disciplined myself to sleep no more than 4-5 hours of sleep each night, I'm certainly thankful of this experience. The real commitment to hakwon began in October but it was probably at the end of November that I started to get antsy and began dashing with full speed all the way to yesterday. I pulled two all-nighters in the past three days. I hope for good results. I get worried when I, being the harshest critic of myself, look at my own portfolio and essay. I get afraid i won't get accepted anywhere! But by looking at how God has worked myself in the past five years, I know for certain he has favor and mercy upon me. He really does! So, I try to remember that and comfort myself.
My husband, whom I must thank with all my heart, is truly the best person in the world! He comes home early so I can go do all of my stuff and takes care of Liam the enttire day x 60 days. He has done all the dishes, laundry, and takes care of everything else so I can focus solely on my work. Though I felt very guilty, my husband encouraged me to give it my all. He is so selfless when it comes to Liam and me. Also the most supportive and encouraging. Truly, down to the last pigment of my skin, to the last hair follicle of my body, he is my soul mate.
Liam has grown so fast. He melts my heart and mama is very sorry that I couldn't take care of you as much as I wanted to. You give me so much strength. I feel like I could take on anything for Liam :) Anyway, he has started purees of bananas, ga-am, strawberries, apples, carrots, but hasn't started rice pouridge yet. We will soon. I remember the very first time I stuck a spoon full of banana puree into his mouth. He smiled like goober. He was so confused as to what to do with his mouth and the spoon. He at one point started sucking on the spoon hahaha. SO CUTE. I also always wonder if other babies crack up as well? What I mean is Liam cracks up real HARD. Everytime hubs does something funny, he cracks up like an adult would. Not a chuckle but to the point he screeches and his face turns red. It is so cutest and funniest thing. My little poopoopie.
We're going to Cali in a couple of days. for two months without hubs. I really think the warm weather and the suburban environment would suit him better than here... at least for the winter. The only problem would be that we'll miss hubs so much.
Anyhow, 2014 will mark a big year for us: my graduate school, Liam's 1st birthday, oppa's job in America, and our big immigration. HAHA
Though during this time, I have emaciated down to 45.6 kgs (and not in a toned way, but just flat out desiccated from stress and overwork) and have disciplined myself to sleep no more than 4-5 hours of sleep each night, I'm certainly thankful of this experience. The real commitment to hakwon began in October but it was probably at the end of November that I started to get antsy and began dashing with full speed all the way to yesterday. I pulled two all-nighters in the past three days. I hope for good results. I get worried when I, being the harshest critic of myself, look at my own portfolio and essay. I get afraid i won't get accepted anywhere! But by looking at how God has worked myself in the past five years, I know for certain he has favor and mercy upon me. He really does! So, I try to remember that and comfort myself.
My husband, whom I must thank with all my heart, is truly the best person in the world! He comes home early so I can go do all of my stuff and takes care of Liam the enttire day x 60 days. He has done all the dishes, laundry, and takes care of everything else so I can focus solely on my work. Though I felt very guilty, my husband encouraged me to give it my all. He is so selfless when it comes to Liam and me. Also the most supportive and encouraging. Truly, down to the last pigment of my skin, to the last hair follicle of my body, he is my soul mate.
Liam has grown so fast. He melts my heart and mama is very sorry that I couldn't take care of you as much as I wanted to. You give me so much strength. I feel like I could take on anything for Liam :) Anyway, he has started purees of bananas, ga-am, strawberries, apples, carrots, but hasn't started rice pouridge yet. We will soon. I remember the very first time I stuck a spoon full of banana puree into his mouth. He smiled like goober. He was so confused as to what to do with his mouth and the spoon. He at one point started sucking on the spoon hahaha. SO CUTE. I also always wonder if other babies crack up as well? What I mean is Liam cracks up real HARD. Everytime hubs does something funny, he cracks up like an adult would. Not a chuckle but to the point he screeches and his face turns red. It is so cutest and funniest thing. My little poopoopie.
We're going to Cali in a couple of days. for two months without hubs. I really think the warm weather and the suburban environment would suit him better than here... at least for the winter. The only problem would be that we'll miss hubs so much.
Anyhow, 2014 will mark a big year for us: my graduate school, Liam's 1st birthday, oppa's job in America, and our big immigration. HAHA
Friday, September 20, 2013
This is Love
My son has now reached 16 weeks. The past four months have been both the happiest and the most difficult of times. In the end, what matters most is the three of us.
Anyhow, Liam has been sick for a very long time. Just when I thought he was getting better, he relapsed into even worse conditions. Liam's seen the doctor more than his grandparents. I pray and pray for a full recovery to come soon.
On a brighter note, allow me to recap some of the bonding moments and the milestones he's reached.
1. So Liam has been the happiest boy ever, but before he sleeps, he throws a fit like no other. I then have to hold him in a cradle position for the most part and stride across the living room providing him with constant motion. The moment I lay him down on his crib is the most heart racing moment of my day, for fear that he would wake up, and I would have to do this routine one yet another time. And trust me, it doesn't always stop there. I think I did it up to literally eight freakin times. Lord have mercy.
2. But when he does sleep for the night, he sleeps damn well. Good baby. Gives me about eight hours to sleep each night. Now I better start taking advance and sleep earlier.
3. He brings his hands together and fidgets with his hand loosely clasped. The cutest thing ever.
4. He chuckles. This is absolutely the cutest thing ever. My hubs, sister, and I become circus clowns to hear one chuckle. So worth it.
5. He squeals. In a high pitched voice. The next Mariah Carrey we call him. Hurts our ears but research indicates he has found his voice and is only experimenting.
6. Liam loves to grab a hold of his bottle. Though he can't hold it upright and feed himself, he places his hands on the bottle so appropriately. Did I mention he is only on his fourth month now.
7. On Baby Bjorns babysitter, he can rock like no other.
8. Every time I say "I love you" he shyly smiles and looks down and away. Melts my heart.
9. He likes to coo every morning the moment he wakes up. Tells me how fun his dream was haha.
10. He loves stretching his arms and legs with his mama. He opens his mout every time I stretch him, like there a open switch or something.
Anyhow, I'm in love. Everyone should have a baby. Teaches you what selfless love is and forces you to grow up and mature. At least, Liam did for me.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Oh Baby!
I honestly can not put into words all the different feelings I have towards my son. He is the epitome of cute and the only catalyst to maturing out of the yolo twenties and embodying the motherhood that really just hit me out of nowhere. Motherhood, not just the cute and cuddly dreamy moments between mother and child as seen on those softly lit black and white photos, but im talking about the other end of the responsibility, huge and totally imposing, to upkeep such a vulnerable creature with my own two baby hands. Puzzled and unsure, I do what I can.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Do not forget
Today my dear husband screamed at me.... Over and over again. His voice lingers in my memory and the momentous scene replays repeatedly like a broken cassette player. I don't remember the words exchanged really but the face I can literally paint on canvas. His face was a face that was shaken up and infuriated with pride hurt like a lion reclaiming his throne... a face that was totally incapable of containment... His eyes were sharp and wide but racing to find a point to settle.. And beneath them reflected a fury that was boiling and smoking of hatred and uncontrollable wrath. That's it... It was uncontrollable... Too late was it to undo or reverse for the dancing flames grew into outright brush fire. and consequently his mouth followed its orders. His soft lips were now robustly maneuvering to render the words into a sort of communication that was taunting the two of us. His voice was the soundtrack... Like an unending abrasive classical music, it was thunderous and purposeful. lightening bolts, you might called them, high and powerful, that it produced voice slips acquired in male puberty.
I hope you're happy. No sarcasm intended.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Postnatal Care in Korea
So Korea is renowned for its postnatal care centers. It's been reported that celebrities from other countries visit Korea after they give birth to recuperate at one of these facilities. Typically, after a woman gives birth, she spends three days in the hospital and then moves to one of these centers for two weeks. It is called 산후조리원 (san-hoo-joh-ree-one) in Korean and they are staffed with a number of nurses who are professionally trained to take care of both the mother and the baby. Having grown up in the U.S. where these centers are pretty much non-existent (or to my knowledge), I thought 'what could they possibly offer that I couldn't really do myself?' 'My few friends who had already given birth all took care of themselves in their own homes so why not me?' I thought Korean women were just overly sensitive after birth and these money-making facilities didn't live up to their value. However, when I talked to my cousins and read review after review on the centers, I opened myself to the idea of it and started a consultation tour around several postnatal centers near by home.
Simply put, postnatal centers are residences for new mothers where they are served with nutritionally rich food and a program of exercise and activity for recovery. The exercise may include postnatal yoga or pilates, and the activities may include making mobiles, breastfeeding instructions, newborn instructions, full body massages, etc. The newborn is taken into a separate facility inside the center where nurses watch and care for them 24/7. The facility is blocked by glass windows for sanitation purposes. If you decide to breastfeed, they either bring the baby to your room or you go to the baby yourself to feed every 2-3 hours. All the centers I visited said that they massage your boobs as much as you desire so that you can avoid soreness or 뭉침, which I heard is a killer because it may result in 가슴몸살. The husbands may stay with their wives in the centers, and the food may or may not be provided to them depending on the center. Typically visitors are only allowed in the visiting room. Some don't even allow visitors because they believe that the new mothers need their full rest. (Visitors are most often in-laws hence the limit haha) All the centers provide both the maternity and newborn photoshoots. I think this sums up the general info on 산후조리원 :) Oh and you should reserve a spot as early as you can, but I did it just 3 months before my due date and faced no problem!
I believe I visited seven in total and got consultations. Yes, I had a lot of time after I got back from the US and I really needed a visit a handful to fully understand what to look for in a postnatal center. Here's my short review on them for all the new foreigner moms in Korea ^^
1. Naissance (서래 네송스):
PRO: facility is quiet and clean with good amenities. Gave us a good discount.
CON: the person I had a consultation with was a bit rude compared to others. They divide the place into levels, and the atmosphere was just cold, vacant, and withdrawn.
2. LaTerra (라테라 송파)
PRO: Just like a hotel. New, clean, and modern. Loved this facility
CON: This place is very new so not sure if they know what they're doing. I just couldn't see many reviews on Naver. And very pricey.
3. Hosan (호산 압구정)
PRO: Steps away from my hospital.
CON: not enough program. For example, massage was once or twice for the entire two weeks. Not so inviting.
4. Angelet (앙즐레 역삼)
PRO: price
CON: no programs offered during pregnancy. Food is not served inside the room. I'd much rather eat in the comforts of my own room. The location also was in a very busy building. I liked this one the least.
5. Amorium (아모리움 서초)
PRO: Their program was the best. Yoga classes offered both before and after birth. Newborn instructions, breastfeeding instructions, massages both before and after birth. Food delivered to the room. Husband's food provided at every meal (the only center that offered this). They bathe the baby inside the room everyday so that couple can learn. An awesome experience in my opinion :) The staff looks very warm and inviting.
CON: No individual 좌욕기 or something which is not a problem for me.
Anyway, we decided to go with Amorium, because of their program and first impression. We were also able to negotiate and bring the price down to what we were willing to pay. Very happy with our decision and I even already took the maternity photos at the partner studio just yesterday. Though my cheeks are about to explode like those of a chipmunk, I'm satisfied. They were free anyway.. yay!
Simply put, postnatal centers are residences for new mothers where they are served with nutritionally rich food and a program of exercise and activity for recovery. The exercise may include postnatal yoga or pilates, and the activities may include making mobiles, breastfeeding instructions, newborn instructions, full body massages, etc. The newborn is taken into a separate facility inside the center where nurses watch and care for them 24/7. The facility is blocked by glass windows for sanitation purposes. If you decide to breastfeed, they either bring the baby to your room or you go to the baby yourself to feed every 2-3 hours. All the centers I visited said that they massage your boobs as much as you desire so that you can avoid soreness or 뭉침, which I heard is a killer because it may result in 가슴몸살. The husbands may stay with their wives in the centers, and the food may or may not be provided to them depending on the center. Typically visitors are only allowed in the visiting room. Some don't even allow visitors because they believe that the new mothers need their full rest. (Visitors are most often in-laws hence the limit haha) All the centers provide both the maternity and newborn photoshoots. I think this sums up the general info on 산후조리원 :) Oh and you should reserve a spot as early as you can, but I did it just 3 months before my due date and faced no problem!
I believe I visited seven in total and got consultations. Yes, I had a lot of time after I got back from the US and I really needed a visit a handful to fully understand what to look for in a postnatal center. Here's my short review on them for all the new foreigner moms in Korea ^^
1. Naissance (서래 네송스):
PRO: facility is quiet and clean with good amenities. Gave us a good discount.
CON: the person I had a consultation with was a bit rude compared to others. They divide the place into levels, and the atmosphere was just cold, vacant, and withdrawn.
2. LaTerra (라테라 송파)
PRO: Just like a hotel. New, clean, and modern. Loved this facility
CON: This place is very new so not sure if they know what they're doing. I just couldn't see many reviews on Naver. And very pricey.
3. Hosan (호산 압구정)
PRO: Steps away from my hospital.
CON: not enough program. For example, massage was once or twice for the entire two weeks. Not so inviting.
4. Angelet (앙즐레 역삼)
PRO: price
CON: no programs offered during pregnancy. Food is not served inside the room. I'd much rather eat in the comforts of my own room. The location also was in a very busy building. I liked this one the least.
5. Amorium (아모리움 서초)
PRO: Their program was the best. Yoga classes offered both before and after birth. Newborn instructions, breastfeeding instructions, massages both before and after birth. Food delivered to the room. Husband's food provided at every meal (the only center that offered this). They bathe the baby inside the room everyday so that couple can learn. An awesome experience in my opinion :) The staff looks very warm and inviting.
CON: No individual 좌욕기 or something which is not a problem for me.
Anyway, we decided to go with Amorium, because of their program and first impression. We were also able to negotiate and bring the price down to what we were willing to pay. Very happy with our decision and I even already took the maternity photos at the partner studio just yesterday. Though my cheeks are about to explode like those of a chipmunk, I'm satisfied. They were free anyway.. yay!
Daily Schedule
Now that the big events have passed I.e. baby shower, birthday, and the maternity photo shoot, I'm ready to have a steady schedule for the rest of the pregnancy. This way I can keep track of my health plus responsibilities, and it may serve as a constant reminder.
So everyday I shall:
-walk for 2-4 hours. This can be done through shopping and walking to and from yoga.
- 4 days out of the week: prenatal yoga for one hour (mon/tue/thu/sat)
- at least 3 hours of art daily
- start my online class and get A's
Pretty simple but not when your sleeping schedule is messed up. I'm sure it'll come around.
So everyday I shall:
-walk for 2-4 hours. This can be done through shopping and walking to and from yoga.
- 4 days out of the week: prenatal yoga for one hour (mon/tue/thu/sat)
- at least 3 hours of art daily
- start my online class and get A's
Pretty simple but not when your sleeping schedule is messed up. I'm sure it'll come around.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Home Sweet Home
So I've come back to Korea late February. It's been 3 weeks, I believe, and it feels like I never left. But when I do look back at my 2.5 months back in Cali, I feel like my time there was a dream-- a memory that is already deeply embedded in my brain and so far from reality. Warm weather, old friends, Kobe, and family. It was nice while it lasted and I cried like a baby upon my arrival to Korea, to which I was welcomed so incessantly by its brutal weather.
Family: I did not realize how much has changed in the last five years. The exact five years that I was absent and in Korea living completely independent of them. I'm glad to see alot of good changes and beginning to accept the few bad ones that have taken place. But they were inevitable as distance and time will always influence in one way or another. I'm very happy that my family is more stable than before. They are so happy about the news of Tiger and have bought me baby things profusely here and there-- stroller, clothes, baby supplies, etc. Anyway, they are going on a vacation to Jamaica this April. I'm so happy and excited for them, because they absolutely deserve it. My dad has worked too hard and my mom, like every girl, needs to experience an island vacation :D
Kobe: Where should I begin with this God-given object of adoration and beauty? He has cried and yelped the moment I walked into the house, jumping up and down, and then looking straight into my eyes. He did it for 15 minutes and I could hear him say, "Where have you been???!!!!!" I woke up everyday to Kobe in my face asking me to adore him. He has so much 애교 that he even warmed up hubby's heart, who believes animals don't have souls. It hurts to be away from him, because he is my baby. I would walk him and seeing him happy outside would always makes me happy. He's the only reason why I would get my lazy self out of the house some days. He got sick twice when I was there. Both times, I was restless and it made me realize how much more I would care for Tiger when he is sick. I feel like Kobe allowed me to experience a mother's love in advance :)
Cabo: So hubs took me on a babymoon to Cabo. I highly recommend Cabo, because it is just gorgeous there and the flight is only about 2 hours from LA. We stayed all-inclusive at the Fiesta Americana Resort and both of us agreed that it was the most beautiful resort we had ever stayed in. The food was great, but how could I truly enjoy all-inclusive when I'm pregnant!? Hubs was buzzed the entire time and I was sober all day--errday. The beach was beautiful (though it is hard to swim there because of the rocks). I resorted to just dunking my feet in the water, (for I knew the current was too harsh for my otherwise agile swimmer self (joking!)), only to find fish of various types right there at my feet! It was like an aquarium and the water was crystal clear. There were schools of different types of fish but the most tropical fish that was like 3 feet away from me was Nemo's friend (the blue fish). I was so excited, because I love nature and God's creatures in their habitat :) Other moments that truly captured me include our private dining and the Mexican timeshare sharks. First, we opted for the private dining experience at the resort. This was not included in the all-inclusive and we were willing to pay extra. This experience boasts a romantic atmosphere of private sunset dining in a cabana on the beach. Since it was after sunset, they decided to accommodate us for free and set up the cabana in just an hour! I was amazed at the quality of service this staff was willing to go. It wasn't just the cabana, they set up a fire, a bed, beach chairs, and candles on the beach. After we had our fabulous dinner, we laid on the bed looking up at the stars and listening to hub's music with the sound of waves in the background haha. It was unforgettable. Next, o.m.g. Timeshare people are crazy and will not go into detail there. We were relaxed, tanned, and spoiled. I loved our babymoon.
Friends: I reconnected with old friends and it was truly nice seeing them after all these years. I have learned a lot about friendships and have left some in the past. But for the most of them-- I hope that our reconnections don't stop and we're able to share and bond from time to time like this.
No more fob status! So when hubs came, all of our efforts for his being a permanent resident became finalized! Yay! Congrats to newly greencard holder, HJC <3 We got his social security done and I-131 done. Hopefully I-131 went smoothly and he'll receive it in the mail shortly.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Update
26. Crazy Stupid Love - I liked it but seemed long
27. Amazing Spiderman - it's okay. Emma Stone is very cute though.
28. Wild Cats (or something along such lines) - a true Disney film about wild cats of Africa. Being an animal enthusiast, I loved it. I have a new love for cheetahs.
27. Amazing Spiderman - it's okay. Emma Stone is very cute though.
28. Wild Cats (or something along such lines) - a true Disney film about wild cats of Africa. Being an animal enthusiast, I loved it. I have a new love for cheetahs.
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