First Day of December

There are times when I feel a huge load of regret. This keeps me up at night and I've been unable to fall soundly asleep the last couple days. Reminiscing about my past and thinking about what I'd do differently if I were granted the opportunity to go back. How different life would be? It's really hard to put my finger on it, but I feel a darkness somewhere very close to my heart. And I don't mean darkness, as in a cynical evil or a skeleton in the closet type of darkness, but like a fog, an empty feeling that is just gnawing away. And it is always in these wee hours of the morning when everyone is asleep that these thoughts cloud me and I'm imbued with regret and nostalgia.

Shake it off.

On a brighter note, Liam is 30 months now. Today's "first" is his counting. He counted from 1 to 10, saying every other number with me. As of late, he sings his head off (without words) to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. When I sing this to him at night, he puts his thumb up and I feel so very proud of myself like I just won a cookie. His aegyo is just full on blooming. He waddles to his teacher and leans forward suggestively so that she can hug him. That little...  Anyhow, starting preschool is one of the best decisions we've ever made for him. He seems so much more comfortable around a large group of people and learns a lot at school. He is socializing and this makes me so happy, because the three of us lived in solitude the past year. Liam is potty trained now since two months ago. His favorite fruit is still bananas. He acknowledges the Christmas tree we put up and sometimes touches the lights, but very awkwardly as if it is hot. Was hoping he'd be more enthusiastic over it but can't ask for more. He loves playing choo-choo with me and I love stacking legos higher than his height with him. He laughs so hard when it tilts and falls over. He also loves hide and seek, and he insists I always hide with him while Dad comes searching for us. Normally inside the castle tent is where we hide, and his smile is ear to ear barely containing the excitement as his Dad says "Where's my Liam boo?" Liam sometimes squeals because he just can't contain it. And it is the cutest thing ever. His love for "Ha-buh-jee" is infinite, and he loves battling "moo-wee versus fountain" with us. His second love is "ipeh" (ipad) and his number one love is umma. Liam loves his appa, too. I could tell because he silently goes to hug his dad's leg when he is busy putting on lotion.

Reunion

After having been separated from him for four months, I've grown a stronger, tighter hold to Liam. It's really crazy to think that we were separated for that long, but when I look back, everything makes sense. Every decision we made was logical and well thought-out, and maybe this is why I felt guilty for the duration of our separation-- that there was a justification in mom's mind to be separated across the globe for that long. Anyhow, enough with the past especially since we are reunited and joined at the hip.

Liam's new favorite fruit is bananas. He absolutely adores Pororo and eats dduk-gook especially well. His favorite toy is his orange rider that has the function of a skateboard except you sit on the board. He will scurry about the living room as fast as he could, and once he gets bored, he will signal for me to ride in the back of the single seat, which requires me to carefully position myself so that I don't hurt myself. After some time, he tells me to get off and brings the cheaper, lower-tiered toy train rider with plastic wheels that barely roll. He signals that I get on that and share the same enthusiasm as he glides smoothly about our house while I haul my ass on the cheap plastic train. We do this every day. 

Liam has the full-bloomed character of a boy-- he has a victory laugh. The sound is one of triumph that jeers at the opponent. It is accompanied with a smirk of "I got you" and he never fails to put it on full display/audio when he defeats me in whatever he does. Absolutely hilarious. But at the same time, he is the sweetest little boy ever. He really loves his mother and shows me even in the most subtle ways. Being with him truly makes me feel alive and everything is worth it.

Dating HJC

On our fourth year of marriage, hubs and I have become so "married" that I often wonder how it felt to be dating the romantic HJC (my hub's initials). So before my memory wears out on me, I want to forever cherish those moments that I thought would last forever.

Things he would do when we were dating:

- Every Sunday evening, we would go to Emart to get my groceries for the week at his expense. He would buy and carry them up three flights of stairs.
- Every morning, I would wake up to find a bible verse texted to my phone. So each and every day that I was with him, I would begin my day thinking about God.
- He would often pick me up from yoga late in the evening to buy me a very nourishing but fattening meal such as 삼계탕. He always fed me so well.
- He would pay for all my medical bills when I never asked him to.
- He was the most gentle creature I had ever met. And he still is.
- He has always placed my wants and needs wayyy before his.
- He would come and see me for ten minutes during my break time at work to get me coffee.
- He was my driver and happily so. Coming my tutor's house at the end of my session to drive me to work right away, saving me the trip of riding in the subway and transferring three times.
- His eyes lit up when he saw me. People have told me so quite often as well. I took this for granted.

he stood up

Liam stood up all by himself today 9.5.2014. He also demanded we clap every time he stood up. He loves praise. And I love giving it.

Back to School

In exactly 1 hour and 30 minutes, I will be welcoming the first day of a whole new beginning.  It is the first day of graduate school and yet I feel so burdened by the thought of starting. When I first entered college in 2003, I couldn't wait to start. Undergrad was an era of zeal and youth. It was a time of discovery and constant fuck ups in all sorts of manner.  Yet everything became okay in the end. Grades, relationships, and adventures that I deemed necessary for the 18-22 years of age were, in retrospect, a bubble on a vast platform. Gone in an instant. Now here I am a decade later, standing on my tiptoes to get that glimpse of confidence, but for some reason I feel sick to the stomach. How would I ever go through all the assignments and the studio when my software faculty is virtually nonexistent? How will I ever come to peace with my guilt over being a compromised mother? Tomorrow... please don't come!

On the other hand, updates on Liam:

He is now embarking on his 16th month. He understands so much now. His favorite fruit is blueberries. He squeals and laughs while crunching his nose at the sight of blueberries. We melt. I taught him how to stack cups today. He knew instantly he had to stack and push down for the cups to for them to stay together. I'm amazed day by day at how much he is developing. He still wakes up before us and plays around the bed until he gets tired and wakes me up. He greets me with the biggest smile and he just makes my day from the morning. Hm... what else? Liam has stood... yes! Hasn't starting walking yet and doesn't seem to want to try,  but he'll get there. I don't mind. Whenever he bangs his head on the something, he pauses and then looks at me. The moment we make eye contact is when he decides that it hurt and starts crying lol. He loves the moments following his bath when I lay him on the bed to clothe him. He uncovers himself from the towel and scurries about the bed, as if I'm chasing him, all the while completely naked laughing his head off. I guess it feels good to be free from his diapers.

Liam is well into his 15th month now. His character and preferences are ever more distinct and I can't help but to wish he will stay like this forever. His cuteness overwhelms me and seeing him reach one milestone after another reconditions the various perspectives I have on... well, a lot of various things. I think babies have the the most humbling influence on people. The world you live in is not very important. It is just a system defined by variables and conditions. We often get swamped in the vast sea of responsibilites, ideologies, that we somehow along the way lose our perspective. Liam has repositioned mine to a much simpler location, and I'm so grateful for that.

Some.of Liam ' s idiosyncrasies that I want to remember forever:
- his eyes light up and his lips curl into a huge smile that lets our bursts of laughter when I ask him if he wants fruit especially blueberries. Husband and I can no longer use that word in vain or else he'll throw a fit if he does not get some.
- he wears my indoor slippers. On his hands. when he crawls about the home.
- he loves to snack. He loves to eat.
- he wants me to carry him even when hrs in his stroller
- he finds his bellybutton amusing.
- he wraps.his arms around my neck and hugs me. Quite often and it is the warmest and most complete feeling a human may feel.
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Smile and frown

It's funny because just yesterday Liam started frowning ...especially at his dad. It's the cutest thing to see a different expression on that sweet angel face. But frown no more baby!!

I'm so tired from studying.

So far, Liam is 14 months. 4 teeth. 2 protruding. He poops and sleeps well. He is a fruit monster. He can clean a plate of fruit if he tried. He hugs and dances while snapping his fingers in his own way. The cutest!!! He loves mama bear and I feel it. It is the most complete feeling a human can possibly feel.