It's Not Me.

I realized countless things over the last several months, more than everything I had accumulated over 25 years of my life.  First, I'm small.  and nothing.  They say your future is yours to conquer.  With ideals like this, I've come to feel like I'm on a mission reminiscent of the days of imperialism.  The "I can do it spirit," whereby the fruits subsequent of the possible successes only glorify self and solidify the conviction in "my" talents and efforts.  It's such an optimistic mindset that society plants in us. I, too, had been a blind follower of such philosophy, but thank the Lord for allowing me to hear His voice once again.  For nearly all my life, I had been going to church, but never have I felt such a connection and clarity over who He is.  I dare not say I know much, and am thus thrilled to learn more about Him.  He is beginning to pop up in my thinking and in my actions, and these are the times when I realize "ah.. this is what WWJD is," remembering the moments back in middle school when everyone was wearing those fad bracelets.  And yet I'm still far behind, but I'm just happy with this transition as I'm beginning to realize that every talent, gift, and blessing come from Him.

Thank you, JC.

 I will just follow. Let this be my motto for the rest of my life :)  Also, I'm excited to learn more about human trafficking at Backyard Academy. After that, a trip back home. And after that, preparation upon preparation for things to finally take their place.

Thank you

I'm so blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. People who really care for my well-being, my present, and my future.  I really can't express this gratitude, but here is the first of my attempt: Thank you dearly and sincerely.  And there will be many more ;)

Just Let me be a Debbie-Downer for Today

Usually I'm good at hiding it-- putting on this "I'm so sure of myself; you couldn't contain this (with a hint of Latifah) show, but sometimes I'm such a fearful child, kind of like Nina from Black Swan. There are those few moments when I really feel insecure and it shows.  Like yesterday-- I smiled and answered in a stern tone, but I know they saw through everything.  As I walked out of the interview, bombs of humility and regret dropped their anguish upon me.  And it was just too heavy to lift--

Over 24 hours had passed and I'm now wrestling.  In the process of brushing it off.  Reflecting can be both positive and negative-- the instance of the latter has the tendency to string up all the "failed" moments, "humiliated" moments, etc and form it into one big "fail" over your forehead.  Don't worry-- I'm not there yet, but my mind did flirt with the thought of it.

Better days. Better days. Better days..

On In-Laws

In-laws can be the most awkward characters.  There's always that extra pressure to please and impress them, in hope that they love you.  Though I, for one, do not have in-laws just yet, I've felt the glimpse of accommodating to such "characters."

While he tells me to be myself and comfortable, there is an unending battle between comfort and the shoulda/woulda/coulda.  Korea has taught me that humbleness and self servient nature is the best representation of "good education" from parents, yet a full blown display of it can be quite awkward.  Where to find the balance... I'm learning and taking notes.

I'm lucky to have met such parents (to-be).  They are warm and kind-hearted.  Very welcoming.  Thank you for being you.

Black Swan

One of the most daunting questions I face is the one about my favorite film.  The what and the why-- expecting that I impress them with a combination of my rather unique choice and a justification constructed by a myriad of film diction, not to mention an investigation into the director's style with references to his preceding films, (having assumed that I'm already well aware of the filmmaker.)  Such expectations are construed once they become aware of my undergraduate studies in Film and Media and this puts a giant burden upon my shoulders knowing that I have to answer to such expectations.  Quite frankly, however, I never knew what to tell them, because to say the least, I really don't have a favorite film.  I have a strange tendency to forget most of the storylines/directors of most of the films that I have seen; and the few that I remember -- I recall only a handful of specific scenes and themes that moved me in some way or another.  And those to me, though they may be only a small remnant in my memory, are timeless and powerful.

Black Swan is not my favorite film, because for as long as I live, I doubt I'll ever grant any movie my "favorite."  But it definitely moved me.  Natalie Portman was made for Black Swan and Black Swan was made for Natalie Portman.  I've always adored the actress for the roles that she chose.  But she was particularly exquisite and captured the full transition of a young, innocent girl into a volatile seductress.  There are many conflicts in the film; the most driving one of them would arguably be the psychological one within Nina (Natalie Portman) herself, who is constantly trying to borne the character of the black swan while simultaneously resisting it.  Everything within her system of dance, home, personality, sexuality (or lack thereof), crashes as the black swan character slowly emerges.  And this coexistence of the yin and yang, the white and the black, creates a slow but effective progression into perfection.

This bearing of a second character, the black swan persona, emphasizes a growing of age as a girl transforms into a woman most definitively in terms of sexuality.  The girl symbolizing the youth and chastity of the white swan, while the femme fatal, destructive and agile in nature, represents the black swan. The moment by which the black swan begins to form is in the metro when the elderly man spots and stares at Nina, dressed rather modestly embodying innocence and vulnerability in its purest form. He views her prematurity as the object of his sexual appetite and begins to excitedly masturbate in public. It is this defining moment that traces of her sexuality begin to emerge and Nina commences her struggle to fight and suppress her inner sexuality, or what she finds so taboo in the system and lifestyle to which she is accustomed.  However, Nina's constant pursuit of  perfection, which is defined by her ability to embody both persona of the white swan and black swan, urges for and necessitates an outbreak of her sexually in-tune femme fatal character.  Hence, the coexistence that transcends from the volatile forces of white trying to suppress the black while ironically pushing for its emergence that perfection is achieved-- a balanced coexistence of the white swan and the black swan, representative of coveted role, or in Nina's case, a destructive role, of "Swan Queen." 

There are so many supporting roles that I've truly appreciated as well, roles that played a pivotal force in threatening or supporting Nina's struggles to reach perfection.  One of those: Nina's mother.  She truly captivates the creepy, obsessive, mother of southern hospitality (this I assumed because of the way she calls Nina "sweet child" and her long drawls.)  Her obsession in trying to keep her daughter in the sanctuary of innocence and youth is driven by her jealousy and fear in Nina's potential.  She lives vicariously through her daughter who represents her; a small difference to note is that her daughter happens to be far more achieved.  Nina's mother, too, represents a duality in her role in relation to Nina's struggle for perfection.  On one hand, she is threatening, as she tries to keep her as "white swan" as she can be-- controlled, fearful, and weak, never exposing her to anything otherwise.  She supports the suppression that Nina fights within herself.  However, on the other hand, she fosters an environment perfect for awakening of Nina's extreme opposite.  It is important to note that if her mother had not raised Nina in the way that she had, or in secure, purity box, Nina couldn't have reemerged as a libertine fit for the role of the black swan. By living most of her life contained in one extreme, she is able to develop the other end's extreme; the answer to which sex, seduction, and anarchy can play such a clashing impact lies on merely the environment that her mother had created for her, an ideal haven of immaculate celibacy where a hint of sex can significantly make an impact.  Hence, in retrospect, her mother also embodies a supporting and a necessary factor to her achievement of perfection.  

Though it is a psychological thriller of a girl going "crazy," it is also her success story, a story that reminds us of the rather detrimental cost of success.

Wait and See

I can't seem to decipher my mind.  On one hand, there is the voice of reason that constantly reminds me I have no reason to be sad or mad-- that everything that is happening is only natural and expected.  Give it time, it reminds me.  Let things fall in place.  On the other, the child in me keeps chanting WHY.  It's funny how I expect things still totally 'my way or the highway' at this age.  

This week has been tough nothing but emotionally.  Maybe they are right.  Rushing is never good.  But I never considered it rushing.  Maybe "love" has blinded me momentarily and gave me balls.  But I have never felt so right about something.  Then why not wait?

Hebrews 10:24-25

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.  Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching    -- Hebrews 10:24-25

This is today's bible verse from HJC.  Since the onset of our relationship nine months ago, he has been sending me a verse of the scripture every morning.  Today's verse, in particular, doesn't really hit home run, for these daily verses usually have provided me with some sense of eye-opening or reassuring factor (more of the latter.)  However, this verse made me smile, because it was a reminder-- that amidst the limited and mundane lifestyles that we seem to have here on earth, there are blessings in the community and in the relationships that we have.  We have been always taught to love one another (I heard it so much that it has become mute propaganda to my ears), yet we are hardly reminded to bear good deeds onto each other.  While ideals like the pursuit of success and the oh-so-typical American Dream have fueled generations toward self-righteous and self-oriented glory, we seem to have become so negligent of the little things.

Baby steps, I tell myself.  The treacherous winter cold of Korea has frozen my face like that of Quasimodo-- still in horror and suffering.  But through His voice that I'm slowly beginning to recognize once again, and the relationships of loved ones, I feel that 2011 is a year of action.

Quasimodo statue at Notre Dame